Right Off the Record

It's on the tip of my tongue

2012-01-06T18:01:00.002-06:00

Q. Okay. And there was a person named Sara Smith. Do you know her last name?

A. No, I don't.

Submitted by: Pattie Walker

Definition of "twin"?

2012-01-06T18:00:00.000-06:00

Q. How old is he?

A. John is --

Q. You said he's Joan's twin, right?

A. Right.

Q. So the same age as her?

A. Right.

Submitted by: Karen Campbell

Never underestimate a court reporter!

2012-01-06T17:56:00.000-06:00

The expert was speaking extremely fast ...

A. The first response is the release of polypeptide hormones, including gastrin and cholecystokinin-pancreozymin which promote gastrointestinal motility, hypertrophy of the intestinal mucosal cells and increased intestinal secretion --
(Addressing the court reporter) Are you struggling, darling?

Submitted by: Carmelita Lee - the court reporter who obviously was NOT struggling

If these pages could speak...

2011-02-27T09:14:00.000-06:00

MR. ORSHAN: Objection, document speaks for itself. I'll repeat that every time.

Go ahead.

MR. ROGERS: I always hear that, but these documents never talk.

Two places at once?

2011-02-27T09:11:00.000-06:00

Q And were you home when you went to the liquor store?
A I couldn't be home if I went to a liquor store.

Submitted by: Kendra McNack

I'm never getting out and you can't make me!

2011-02-27T09:06:00.000-06:00

Q. Did you ever look at the rear of this car?

A. No.

Q. Never?

A. No, I didn't get out of the car.

Q. Well, you are here today so at some point you got out of the car. Right?

A. No, I didn't get out.

Q. I'm sure at some point after this accident occurred, you opened the door and climbed out of the car. Right?

MR. JONES: I will stipulate he is not in the car now.

Submitted by: Sharon Meyer

Pick a language, any language.

2011-02-27T09:03:00.000-06:00

ATTORNEY: What is your name?
INTERPRETER: (in English) What ... is ... your ... na-ame?
ATTORNEY: You're talking to him in English.
INTERPRETER: I'm sorry.

Submitted by: Karen Campbell

Um, we hope so!

2011-01-01T14:03:00.003-06:00

Q. Did you know that your sister had died before she was buried?

A. I don’t understand that question.

Submitted by, Bonnie Beeler, scopist

Gotta love English!

2011-01-01T14:00:00.000-06:00

Q. And does that document document what you billed Build Four for?

2011-01-01T13:59:00.000-06:00

Q. WERE YOU FULLY CLOTHED AT THAT TIME?

A. NO.

Q. WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?

A. A DRESS.

Q. WELL, WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO BE FULLY CLOTHED?

A. IF YOU WOULD'VE SAW THE DRESS, YOU WOULDN'T THINK I
WAS FULLY CLOTHED EITHER.

Submitted by: Karen Campbell, proofreader

Define "relationship"

2011-01-01T13:57:00.000-06:00

Q During your period as chief probation officer in the West Memphis office, was there a point in time in which there was an interoffice relationship between two officers?

A Not that I know of.

Q Between JD and JS?

A Well, there must have been. They ended up getting married.

Submitted by: JC Thomas, scopist

The name suits you

2011-01-01T13:54:00.002-06:00

Earlier today I was working on a depo where the deponent owned a
logging company. He worked with another guy who actually cut down the
trees for him. His name?

Mr. Beavers.

Submitted by: Tara Hay, scopist

Is there another knee?

2011-01-01T13:53:00.002-06:00

Q. Which knee?

A. Both knees.

Q. Both knees, okay, right and left knees?

Submitted by Faye Bryant, scopist

Well, duh!

2011-01-01T13:51:00.002-06:00

Q. When you say you "grew up," how many years did you live there?

A. My family's still there now.

Q. Were you born there on that street?

A. No, I was born in the hospital, man.

Ask the duck

2010-08-24T09:35:00.000-05:00

Q. You bought the vehicle?
A. Yes.
Q. Do you know for how much?
A. I think it was like $3,500 or something like that.
Q. Cash or money or what?
A. Isn't cash the same as money?
MR. BAKER: You might have to ask the Aflac duck.

Awesome ATM machine

2010-08-24T09:32:00.001-05:00

Q. My question is: How are you compensated from your different
companies? Do you draw money out --
A. My accountants pay my bills. And if I need -- if I need
cash, little petty cash, I go to my teller, my HSBC account, which is
in London, and I draw cash out. And that's dealt with out of London.
Q. It just miraculously appears when you need it?
A. Well, that's what A.T.M. machines do.
Q. Oh, really? They print money?
A. They sure do.
Q. Okay. I wasn't aware of that.
My question --
A. Well, you punch your number in -- you put a card in, you
punch your number in, ask for 200 dollars, and lo and behold --
Q. It comes out?
A. Who could have guessed.
Q. It's amazing.
A. It's a wonderful thing.

Submitted by KK Daniels

Dumb question of the day

2010-08-24T09:31:00.002-05:00

Q. So when you were driving, were you in your car?

A. Yes.

It's all the same to me

2010-08-24T09:30:00.002-05:00

A. They had a CAT scan and they put the string on my left arm.
MR. SMITH: What was that word, shrink?
THE WITNESS: String.
MR. JONES: You mean a sling?
THE WITNESS: What do they call it, like a wrap around my wrist until I go to the orthodontist.
MR. SMITH: Orthopedist.

Submitted by: Betsee Thompson

Yes, no, maybe so

2010-08-24T09:28:00.001-05:00

Q. Did you make any determination of their legal capacity to sign this document at the time they signed it?
A. I was not present at the time they signed it.
Q. So is the answer "no"?
A. Yes.
Q. The answer's "no"?
A. Yes. The answer's "no."
Q. Okay, thank you. Sorry, that's one of those terrible questions.

This little piggy

2010-08-24T09:27:00.000-05:00

THE WITNESS: Jake, so you'll know, on this also because it was never brought
up, these two toes have no feeling in them and Dr. Mosier said it may not ever
come back.

MR. D: Okay.
Q For the record --
MR. D: The one that went to the market and the one that went wee-wee all the
way home?

Submitted by Betsee Thompson

Until death do us part.

2010-04-18T14:19:00.001-05:00

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

And the third choice is?

2010-04-18T14:18:00.002-05:00

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.. Can I get a new attorney?

Say what?

2010-04-18T14:16:00.003-05:00

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

Really???

2010-04-18T14:16:00.000-05:00

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Duh!

2010-04-18T14:15:00.002-05:00

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Can you lend me a hand?

2010-04-18T14:14:00.000-05:00

The attorney is questioning a bank teller about her duties.

Q Okay. And do you use the same hands to count the money, or do you switch off?
A Who else's hands am I supposed to use?

Submitted by: Denise Riffle

That was a loooong day

2010-04-18T14:11:00.002-05:00

Q How many times have you been to the site?

A Just once.

Q What was that date?

A September 2nd and 3rd.

Handy, huh?

2010-03-01T14:53:00.000-06:00

Calling from beyond

2010-03-01T14:50:00.001-06:00

The mother has died, and the teenage son is clearly upset. The lawyer is asking the son if he knew his mother's telephone number & whether or not he called her before she died. They go back and forth citing the different numbers that were used in the home, cell, work, etc. Then this question is asked:

Q. Would there be any other phone records, other than the Bell South records of the 0362 number, that would reflect phone calls that were made to your mother before she passed away?

A. I can't remember.

Q. Do you remember your mother's phone number?

A. I can't remember my mom's number.

Q. Do you know if she still has the same number today that she had when she was alive?

A. No.

Submitted by: Sheila McKinney, scopist

He went to school for this?

2010-02-28T15:33:00.000-06:00

Q. All right. So who does those things now?
A. My little brother.
Q. All right. Do you have a younger brother?

Submitted by: Faye Bryant

A three-legged something or 'nuther

2010-02-28T15:31:00.000-06:00

Q. Do you recall what ankle or was it -- you say plural, ankles.

A. I can't say either one because I have no recollection. So, you know, I couldn't tell you whether it was my right or my left or the middle one.

He said it...

2010-02-28T15:28:00.000-06:00

Q. So do you have any reason to believe that she's not still an alcoholic?
A. I have no idea what she is.
Q. Okay. It's very hard to get a job if you're an alcoholic, isn't it?
A. Well --
Q. Except if you want to be a lawyer.

Second Tuesday of next week

2010-02-28T15:27:00.000-06:00

Q. And he was not previously working for you that day, was he?

A. No, not that day, but he was the following day and the following day before that.

A case of the Mondays

2010-02-28T15:12:00.003-06:00

Q: When was the once-a-week Monday morning meeting?

By: Corinne O'Dea Thomas/SSG

Ah, who's counting?

2009-10-21T09:25:00.000-05:00

Q How many times have you been to the site?

A Just once.

Q What was that date?

A September 2nd and 3rd.

Hello? Is this thing on?

2009-10-21T09:18:00.003-05:00

Q. What happened during your interview with the detectives?

A. Can be you be more specific?

Q. Yes.

A. (No response.)

Q. Ma'am?

A. Uh, the question?

Hot head or brain dead?

2009-09-21T11:29:00.001-05:00

THE COURT: Mr. Smith?

Mr. Smith, what do you think?

MR. SMITH : Get me a drink of water and cool my brain off a little bit. I'm confused.

THE COURT: So far I'm not sure that the instruction is clearer than what we have.

Submitted by: Dolly Hall

Sue Up the Ladder

2009-09-21T11:24:00.001-05:00

The witness is involved in a heated divorce action based on his wife's adultery. The wife's current boyfriend is a professional wrestler. There have been several confrontations between boyfriend and husband, and boyfriend has been previously deposed in the matter.

Q In that deposition, he also said one thing that maybe was stranger than the other matters I've asked you about. He said that you had threatened legal action against his parents.

A Yeah. I don't know where that came from. Maybe for having him.

Q That is pretty funny. I have to give you credit for that.

Submitted by: Julie Thomas, scopist

Stay'n Alive

2009-09-21T11:21:00.001-05:00

Q. Did you ever work as a legal assistant?
A. Yes, I did.
Q. And for whom?
A. For two different law firms. I worked for a John Smith in Nevada, who is now deceased; Jim E. Jones in Nevada, who is now deceased. And I did work part-time for Bill Lane, and he's not deceased as of this moment.
Q. We hope he stays that way for a while.

Submitted by: Gina Jackson, scopist

Mr. Pot, please meet Mr. Kettle

2009-08-24T10:35:00.001-05:00

Q. What did your evaluation reveal?
A. On the overall evaluation of him, he just -- I don't know, he -- he just wasn't a very good listener or communicative back. His communication skills just really were not good. That's -- I don't know what to say.

Huh?

2009-08-24T10:34:00.000-05:00

Q. Have you talked to your lawyer that might have talked to you, according to the best of your memory, about the document before you signed it recently about whether you talked to him about it?
A. Huh?

'Round we go...

2009-08-24T10:31:00.001-05:00

A "I don't recall" would be the correct answer. No?
Q But the question simply called for a "yes" or a "no."
So you don't know, yes or no?
A Right.

2009-08-07T11:45:00.001-05:00

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'.
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: ’Yes, sir. With my life.'?
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

I'm confused

2009-08-07T11:41:00.002-05:00

Q. All right. And where is Arizona Federal, Incorporated?

A. In Florida.

Q. And where is Florida Capital located?

A. In Texas.

Submitted by: Judy Rakocinski

You Said It!

2009-08-07T11:38:00.001-05:00

A. Is there any question here that I was colluding with --
Q. I asked --
A. Sorry, I just want to have a question so that we can put it down on the record. If you are suggesting that I was colluding with other parties that had an interest in these matters, say so. I take it that that is what you're saying.
Q. Mr. Carter, you said that, Mr. Carter. I didn't.
A. My answer to that is no.
Q. You said that, Mr. Carter. You said that, Mr. Carter.
A. If you might just let the stenographer record it.
Q. You said that, Mr. Carter. You said that, Mr. Carter. I did not mention the word colluded.
A. I am trying to get a question out for you.
Q. You said that yourself, Mr. Carter. Isn't that so?
A. No.
Q. You said it, Mr. Carter.
A. No.
Q. You said it, Mr. Carter.
A. No.
Q. You said it, Mr. Carter. You said it, Mr. Carter. Say you said it, Mr. Carter.
A. No.
CHAIRPERSON: Ms. Shannon, just let him
answer.
MS. SHANNON: Okay.
Q. You said it, Mr. Carter.
A. No.

Submitted by: Carmelita Lee

Off to a great start!

2009-01-03T16:48:00.003-06:00

Q. Ms. Jones, have you ever given a deposition before?
A. No.
Q. Just to give you the rules, we have a court reporter here who is taking down everything we say, so it's important that we speak in words. Do not nod or shake your head and do not use "uh-huh" or "huh-uh," okay?
A. (Witness nods head).
Q. Ma'am, I need you to answer audibly, okay?
A. Uh-huh.

Yes, I said yes.

2008-09-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

Q. Do you know if you signed a verification with respect to this document?

A. Yes.

Q. You did? I can't tell.

A. Yes.

Q. I can't tell if it is, yes, you know, or yes, you did.

A. Yes.

Submitted by: Larissa Walker, scopist

Elmer Fudd

2008-09-07T20:20:00.001-05:00

Do you recall weeding -- reading -- weeding -- I sound like Elmer Fudd -- do you recall reading the other testimony in this case?

Submitted by: Julie Thomas, scopist

Memory like a steel trap...or not.

2008-06-11T17:34:00.001-05:00

Q. Okay. Are you currently taking any medications that would impair you to recall events from the past or testify truthfully today?

A. No. I mean, I don't think -- I take medication, but I don't think that will affect my memory. I can't remember what they are, though.

Submitted by: Shawna Ingle

Call the funeral home.

2008-06-11T17:32:00.001-05:00

Q So you say your sex drive is decreased since your accident?

A No. It's deceased.

Submitted by: Gina Jackson

I just don't know; I really, really don't. Really!

2008-06-11T17:29:00.001-05:00

Q Do you remember ever working at (name omitted)?

A What's the name of the place? I may have. I couldn't remember the name of the place. I don't know. I couldn't remember if that's the name of the place. I couldn't remember the name. I don't know. I don't know if that was the name. I don't remember if that was the name of the place. I don't remember the name. I was thinking it might have been called something else, but I don't remember the name of the place. I really didn't -- just that name --
I guess he really can't remember....

Submitted by: Gina Jackson

Mistranned word...oops!

2008-06-11T17:25:00.001-05:00

A. There was a DVD player on special.

Q. So was there a specific one on sale that was

worth getting up and going to the store at 5 a.m. for?

A. I think they advertised some sperm, and my wife

said whatever they were offering had to be better than mine.

************************************

"Sperm" should have been "special" - LOL!!

Submitted by: Stephanie

A new sport!

2008-04-08T15:49:00.001-05:00

Q Did you play any sports in high school?
A I played hooky.

Submitted by: Julie Thomas - scopist

Sharp as a tack!

2008-04-08T15:46:00.001-05:00

The attorney is questioning the State's chief medical examiner, who performs hundreds of autopsies per year:

Q. Is it fair to say that the patients that you see in your professional line of work have no blood pressure?

A. If they have no blood pressure when I start, they certainly have none when I'm done.

Incredibly, the attorney continued with that line of questioning:

Q. That's right. And is it fair to say that in your professional line of work that you do not monitor a patient's blood pressure?

A. Well, correct. I don't.

Submitted by: J. Colter, Scopist

This attorney earned his money

2008-03-03T10:37:00.003-06:00

Q. How about after April 1, 2006, but unrelated to this
accident, were you ever seen in an emergency room of a hospital?
A. Don't remember.
Q. Have you ever been diagnosed with having any type of short-term or long-term

memory problems?
A. No.

Q. After April 1, 2006, that's the date of the accident for which we're here today, have

you ever left the State of New Jersey for any reason?
A. After that, yes. I went to Florida for vacation.
Q. When did you go to Florida?
A. It was before the accident.
Q. How about after the accident? I'm talking about after the accident.
A. No.
Q. You haven't left the state of New Jersey for any reason after
this accident?
A. I went to North Carolina two months ago.
Q. That was after the accident?
A. Yes.
Q. And North Carolina was not in the state of New Jersey, right?
A. Yes.
Q. Did you drive to North Carolina?
A. Yes.
Q. Did you drive with yourself or with somebody else?
A. By myself.
Q. Where was your daughter during that time?
A. With me.
Q. She went with you?
A. Yes.
Q. So you drove the car, and your daughter was a passenger?
A. Yes.
Q. Do you recall the accident that happened on April 1, 2006?
(Pause)
Do you recall that accident that you were in on April 1, 2006? Do you remember

the accident?
A. Yes.
Q. Help me here; come on.
Was the driver on a cell phone at all?
A. Your client?
Q. No, your client.
A. No.
Q. I mean your friend.
A. We were talking.

Q. Any complaints, anything bother you today?
A. It's below my bra. It's a pain, and it goes to my
shoulders, to my neck and my head. I feel like my head is heavy.
Q. You have a heavy head?
A. I think so. Yes.
Q. Anything to do with those earrings?
A. No.

Submitted by: Lisa Urso, scopist

Spirits calling?

2008-03-03T10:36:00.000-06:00

Q. Okay. And, like, you know that Larry died, right?
A. Yes, I do.
Q. Had y'all talked since this happened much?
A. Since he died?

Submitted by: Cathy, scopist

Aw, come on, use the acronym!

2008-03-03T10:33:00.001-06:00

The following comes from the testimony of a state trooper, and my client actually inserted the comment in parens into the rough draft for my proofreading amusement. :)

Q Give us a summary of your expertise in accident reconstruction.

A In addition to the basic training required of all state troopers, I received additional training in reconstruction at the Georgia Police Academy over a period of a year or so back in 2005.

Q Is that what's now called a SCRT unit?

A That's correct.

Q What was it called then?

A (Wonder why they didn't use the acronym for this:) It was the fatal accident reconstruction team.

Submitted by: Julie Thomas, scopist

Can you follow directions?

2008-03-03T10:31:00.001-06:00

Q. And it's important that you answer, just like you did now, out loud or
verbally so that the court reporter can record your response rather try to
discern whether you're shaking your head up and down or to the side. Is that
fair?

A. (Nods head up and down.)

Submitted by: Dolly Hall, scopist

Everyone pile on!

2008-03-03T10:29:00.000-06:00

Q. Okay. Did you strike the car in front of you?
A. No, I did not. I was able, there was a gap in those big pile-ons,
those --
MR. JACOVINA: Dividers.
THE WITNESS: Yeah, the big construction concrete things. There was a
gap in it, so when he hit me, I swerved off into like a construction lane,
in between those medians.

My house or your house?

2008-02-06T17:05:00.000-06:00

Q What street do they live on?
A. Myhouse.
Q. Your house being South 24th Street?
A. No, sir.
Q. What house are we talking about?
A. Street.
Q. You have lost me.
A. Myhouse.
Q. Your house?
ATTORNEY: Is there a street called Myhouse?
Q. Oh, the name of the street that they live on is called Myhouse?
A. Yes.
ATTORNEY: And Who is on first.

Submitted by: Tara Hay - Scopist

Freudian slip

2008-02-06T17:04:00.000-06:00

Let's talk about common sex ‑‑ common sense for a minute.

Submitted by: Amy Anderson-Sanchez

How Do You Spell HVAC?

2008-02-06T17:01:00.000-06:00

The witness is testifying that he doesn't know the number of return air vents required in a home. The pro se plaintiff then asks this question:

Q. Should a [brand name technician] know? You may not know. You're not an HVAC technician. But they know the connections. That's why it says HVAC technician: heating, air conditioning, venting, and -- yeah, the C is for air conditioning. So they should know.

Submitted by: Janet Colter - Scopist

Only in the South...

2008-01-24T18:36:00.000-06:00

Only in the South would these questions be asked:

Q. During the time you were growing up, did you have any traumatic injury?

A. No.

Q. Okay. No broken bones?

A. No.

Q. All right.

A. No.

Q. Didn't get kicked by a mule or hit with a baseball bat --

A. No.

Q. -- or fall off a pickup?

A. No.

Submitted by: Faye Bryant

Pee in the cup, please

2008-01-24T18:06:00.000-06:00

The witness owns a dirt contracting business, and he subs out his work to other independents at times. The woman lawyer asks him if he has a duty to drug-test and check the liability insurance of the subs.

Q Did you ask X or Y if they were using any prescription medications or anything that might impair their ability to work on the job?

A No, ma'am. That's nothing -- they're not my employees.

Q Okay. But if they're working as a sub on one of your jobs, don't you think you have a duty to make sure that you're selecting an independent contractor --

A No, ma'am. That's between them. I'm not required to do that. They're not my employees. That would be like me coming to your office and saying, "I'm going to give a urine test to your secretary because she's typing my pleadings."

Submitted by: Julie Thomas - scopist

Loooong Arms

2008-01-18T22:01:00.001-06:00

Talking about cracks in stucco:

Q. Would you estimate they are as long as your arm, half as long as your arm?
A. Half as long as my arm.
Q. Would you agree with me that that's probably about two feet?
A. Yes.

I know I've never met a woman with four-foot-long arms.

Submitted by: Robin F. - scopist

Gutter mind...

2008-01-18T21:59:00.000-06:00

I had a dep of a Russian woman with a very thick accent. she took pictures at a department store, and she is explaining what she does:
Q What were you trained to do?
A We would set up the teddy --
Q I hate to cut you off, but what kind of a teddy?
A A teddy bear. I don't know what you were thinking.
Q I wasn't thinking anything....

He was the only male in the room, we kept on giggling for about 20 minutes after, whenever he brought up the word teddy. It was nice to have a man uncomfortable for a change, usually, I am the only woman, and I feel uncomfortable when they speak about certain topics.

Eileen Slate

People or persons - same difference?

2008-01-18T21:56:00.000-06:00

The attorney is questioning a manager of an upscale residential hotel:

Q. Let me ask one additional question. Do you know that the people who currently reside -- people or persons -- do you know if it is people or persons in 1701?

A. I think it is persons.

Q. You believe it is persons?

A. Uh-huh.

Janet Colter

Scopist

The first year is the best!

2008-01-18T21:54:00.000-06:00

Q&A during voir dire examination:

Q. You went to law school?

A. One year.

Q. Which one?

A. The first one.

J. Colter, Scopist

Huh?

2007-12-17T18:36:00.000-06:00

A. Not that I recall, no.

Q. Well, is it possible that you don't recall?

MR. DOE: It's rather an inelegant question, don't you think?

Submitted by: Christi

It's all a matter of perspective...

2007-12-17T18:33:00.000-06:00

Q. Were you upset?

A. Yeah.

Q. Visibly?
A. I don't know if it was visibly. I can't see myself.

Part-time job?

2007-10-30T13:27:00.000-05:00

Q. You haven't received any payment?
A. No.
Q. All right.
A. Unless you're going to pay me. If you're going to give me something, I'll take it.
Q. I suppose that depends on what your testimony is.
A. Oops.

Submitted by: Christi

A slight exaggeration?

2007-10-30T13:24:00.000-05:00

I was on a deposition with a very nice attorney, who is usually very patient. This particular witness was exaggerating about everything. His own attorney even told him, "Just tell the truth."

Q On a scale of one to ten what was your pain?

A Ten.

Q If I sawed your leg with a rusty saw what would the pain be?
MR. ATTORNEY: I know that you are going to object.

The witness's attorney was laughing so hard that he couldn't object. Luckily I have long hair because I had to put my head down so they wouldn't see me holding back my own laughter.

Submitted by: Eileen Slate

I can read. Can you?

2007-10-30T13:22:00.000-05:00

Q You've never been trained how -- how to read a contract in any way, have you?
A Is there training to read a contract --
Q I don't know.
A -- or is it just training to read? I'm not sure.
Q Has he -- has anyone provided you any specific training on how to read a contract?
A I've had specific training on how to read, and I believe if you know how to read, you can usually read a contract.

Submitted by: Pattie Walker

Just a peon

2007-10-18T19:13:00.000-05:00

Q Did they do that with directors? Do you know?

A Directors of the bank?

Q Yes.

A I don't have a clue. I was a peon.

Q That is where I'm at in my life, too.

Submitted by:

Julie C. Thomas

"Dog? I don't have a dog!"

2007-10-18T19:10:00.000-05:00

(Discussing a woman accidentally bitten by a police dog.)

Q. You were told by Mrs. Smith that she tried to push the dog away;

correct? You had no information that she tried to shoot the dog, stab

the dog, rip the dog's gonads off, or anything like that; correct?

Very sharp

2007-10-18T19:09:00.000-05:00

Q. What's an obvious defect?
A. An obvious defect -- an obvious defect is one that we can see.
Q. What's a non-obvious defect?
A. Something more subtle than that.

Ya think????

Submitted by: Faye Bryant

Just being honest

2007-10-18T19:05:00.000-05:00

This is from a deposition of an orthopedic surgeon:

A. I'm licensed in California and in Colorado. I see patients in Colorado two days a month.

Q. And why do you see patients in Colorado?

A. It's a pretty place to go.

Q. All right.

A. And you can ski there too.

About as honest an answer as you'll ever get!

Submitted by: Faye Bryant

2007-10-03T22:24:00.000-05:00

Courtroom funnies!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of some thing you forgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shit'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shat'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like t o rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Born again?

2007-09-19T18:22:00.000-05:00

Q. Mr. Smith, where were you born initially?

Submitted by: Faye Bryant

Once upon a fortnight

2007-09-19T18:13:00.000-05:00

Q. Okay. Ma'am, how often were you experiencing pain before the accident which forms the basis of the lawsuit? Was it every day?
A. In my hands from the arthritis? Is this what you're asking?
Q. Well, your hands, your neck, your mid-back.
A. Intermittent, you know.
Q. Once a day, once a week, once a month, once a fortnight?
A. Some --
MR. SMITH: I think a fortnight would come in between a week and a month, but I don't want to quibble.
MR. JONES: I'm just giving her alternatives. I like the word "fortnight," and I've been working it into depositions lately.
MR. SMITH: But if you're going to go day, week --
MR. JONES: I understand that.
MR. SMITH: -- you've got to put the fortnight before the month.
MR. JONES: A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
MR. SMITH: I'm a little mind, John.
MR. JONES: I understand that.
Submitted by: Melody in TX

Husband training

2007-09-19T18:09:00.001-05:00

Q. During the, say, 15 years before the SUV rollover accident, am I correct that you never sought treatment for your low back, either shoulder, or your neck?
A. No.
Q. No, I'm not correct or --
A. I mean, yes, you are correct.
Q. Thanks. Go ahead and say, yes, I am correct.
A. Okay.
MR. SMITH : Women like to be told that.
MS. JONES: Yes, you're right. Good husband material.

You do the math

2007-09-12T17:41:00.000-05:00

Q. Are you able to estimate the split between work you have done for plaintiffs and defendants by percentage?
A. Yes, ma'am.
Q. Could you provide that?
A. Well, yes. Overall, I would say that it's something around 65/35, defense/plaintiff.
Q. And is that relatively accurate for the past five years?
A. I would say last five years, it's probably been more like 70/30.
Q. 75 percent defense and 30 percent plaintiffs; is that correct?
A. Yes.

The witness (who says the attorney's math is correct) is a physics major with three postgraduate degrees in math.

How do you spell ketchup?

2007-09-12T17:38:00.000-05:00

Q Where did you live?
A In Hainesville.
Q How do you spell Hainesville?
A Like the ketchup, H-a-i-n-e-v-i-l-e. There is an 's' after the 'e'though.

Submitted by: Eileen Slate

My dog ate it

2007-09-12T11:28:00.000-05:00

MS. JONES: And that -- ah -- if the original is lost,
misplaced, stolen, or some dog eats it, or for whatever reason is not
available at time of trial or any other hearing, including summary
judgment, the -- a certified copy can be used in lieu thereof for all
purposes.

Sharing recipes

2007-09-05T11:00:00.000-05:00

I had a trial transcript a few months ago for a man who was charged with drug possession. The defense attorney was asking the expert lab witness about the differences between cocaine and crack cocaine (and how it's made) in an attempt to lessen the charge or get the charges dropped altogether. Objections from the prosecutor were overruled.

Q. So, what happens next?

MR. JONES: Your Honor, I'm going to object on relevancy. I don't know why the jury has to be educated on how someone makes crack cocaine from cocaine. I mean the issue is --

THE COURT: Well, this is cross-examination.
Keep on going.

MR. SMITH: Thank you, Your Honor.
The only reason why is, I think the jury has the right to explain [sic]. This man has testified, or this witness has testified that they are the same thing.

THE COURT: I overruled the objection.

MR. SMITH: Thank you, Your Honor.

Q. (By Mr. Smith) What happens next?

A. If you had powder HCL, and say it's pure, if you want to make crack cocaine out of it --
Do you really want me to explain how to make crack to the jury?

Q. No.

THE COURT: Yes.

Submitted by: Joy Lew

Frisbee anyone?

2007-09-05T10:55:00.000-05:00

A. I worked for a gentleman named Mark Smith.
Q. Okay. And --
A. And I worked for a gentleman named Bob Frisbee.
Q. F-R-I-S-B-E --
A. Like the Frisbee that you would throw.
Q. All right.
MR. BROWN: Relation?
THE WITNESS: I don't think so.
MR. WHITE: To a Frisbee?
MR. BROWN: To the guy who invented the Frisbee.
MR. WHITE: Oh, okay.

Submitted by: Denise Catherman

2007-08-31T19:57:00.000-05:00

Q. Did you see the three suspects walk into the bathroom in the mall?
A. No. I did see them walk out, though.
Q. But you didn't see them walk in?
A. No, but I did see all three of them walk out of the bathroom.
Q. But you didn't see them walk in, so how do you know --
A. But I did see them walk out, sir.
Q. But you can't say for sure that they all went into the bathroom --
MR. SMITH: Your Honor, is counsel saying that they magically
materialized like Spock?
THE COURT: Sidebar, now.

2007-08-31T19:55:00.000-05:00

Q. Did you hear from any third parties that Mr. Jones had threatened to send you anthrax?
A. To send me anthrax?
Q. Yeah.
A. It was reported to me by someone that Mr. Jones made comments he wanted send me a lunch, a fast-food lunch, laced with anthrax.
Q. Did you ever believe back at that time that Mr. Jones wanted to cut off your head with a chain saw?
A. Did -- oh, did I feel?
Q. (Nods head.)
A. No, I did not.
Q. Did you ever believe that Mr. Jones wanted to cut your head with a loppers, L-O-P-P-E-R-S?
A. No, I did not.

(Whereupon the deposition was concluded due to counsel having a
migraine.)